When one thrusts forward into darkness with his twin blades of reason and logic, it becomes obvious that holding religious faith is as morally reprehensible as paedophilia. Unless of course you are a moron, in which case I pity the state of your nano-brain and the pathetic life you must lead. That got your attention, didn’t it? I became convinced that all religion is pernicious bullshit at the age of two. I developed a bad case of hay fever and succumbed to a sneezing fit in a rare moment of weakness. An idiotic nursery teacher whose name I can’t remember had the barefaced nerve to say ‘Bless you!’. In response to this disgusting affront I delivered a thirty minute lecture as to why God doesn’t exist and that she was an insult to the human race. Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped with my forensic intellect and so religious faith endures throughout the world. Imagine a life without religion. There would be no suicide bombers. No Jehovah’s Witnesses interrupting Cash in the Attic. No wars. If Hitler hadn’t been forced to attend Sunday school as a child, would he still have implemented the Third Reich? Applying Darwinian reasoning we can only conclude: probably not.
Malignant religious indoctrination begins at an early age. Is there a more grotesque form of child abuse than a traditional ‘Christening’ ceremony, in which unwilling innocents are subjected to a form of God-sanctioned waterboarding? Religious people seriously argue (with amusing conviction!) that such rituals are less barbaric than jihadist beheadings. If only they could take a step back and appreciate the stupidity of such statements. You would never find such nonsense going on in the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, the site of various important scientific breakthroughs relating to theoretical physics. But I am jumping ahead. The purpose of this book is to deconstruct the arguments for God’s existence and to demonstrate that all religions are intrinsically evil. Have you ever encountered a Muslim who wasn’t fixated on burning Western cities in eternal hell-fire? Didn’t think so. Ever met a Christian who wasn’t in the habit of stoning adulterers and slaying homosexuals living in sin? Thank you for proving my point. By comparing the best scientific discoveries with the worst religious intolerance in this repetitive manner, my argument becomes very compelling indeed. Provided your brain works properly, of course. If you disagree with my thesis go away and learn how to think logically, then tremble at the feet of the mighty Dawkins!
I will not go out of my way to offend religious believers in this book. Although anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the Old Testament will realise that that the God described therein is a nasty, malevolent shithouse. If you are offended by this statement, go back to the top of this paragraph and re-read the sentence in which I made it clear that I did not mean to offend. Do you understand the difference? Well done. For practical purposes, I shall focus on Christianity for the majority of this book. This is partly for ease of reference, but also because it’s more socially acceptable to slag off Christians and I don’t have the balls to criticise Muslims or Jews directly. And don’t get me started on wishy-washy agnostics, who believe religion to be beyond the scope of scientific inquiry. To those people I say simply ‘Shit or get off the pot’: there almost certainly isn’t a God so stop trying to be friends with everyone. Some well-known scientists, such as T.E. Huxley, declared themselves agnostics in the nineteenth century. I can only conclude that Huxley was either misquoted or joking, and I’m sure that if he was alive today he would be a committed disciple of mine and a militant atheist.
Let’s move on to the arguments put forward for God’s existence. It goes without saying that they are all utterly nonsensical and it’s really beneath my dignity to examine them in this way, but I shall proceed anyway. Thomas Aquinas put forward the concept of a ‘First Cause’ – every effect must have a prior cause, and the only termination of this infinite regress is God. I mean no disrespect to Aquinas when I describe this idea as complete bollocks. Why should the regress stop at God? Who or what caused God to come into existence? Can you get your little head around that? Good – so you can see Aquinas was talking out of his arse. Later, William Paley proposed that since complex things appear to have been designed, that designer must have been God. Unfortunately for Paley, Darwin came along and blew him out of the water with the theory of evolution by natural selection, which is perfect and bulletproof. You’d really have to be the most blinkered Muslim to disagree with Darwin. While I’m on the topic, did you know that I have more Twitter followers than any prominent Muslim? What does that tell you? Correct: all Muslims are wicked and stupid. The power of reason expressed in a single statement. Well done me.
There are, of course, other arguments that are said to ‘prove’ God’s existence. But they are quite obviously infantile and insulting, advanced by renowned charlatans such as Descartes, Hume and Kant. Sadly, their terrible ideas have been gobbled up enthusiastically over the years by people who should have known better. Even Bertrand Russell was momentarily convinced by one such argument, to his eternal shame. It follows that Russell’s title of ‘Greatest British Humanist’ may well be inappropriate. Modesty prevents me from suggesting an alternative recipient of that accolade, although I should note that I’ve never succumbed to such intellectual weakness. Russell certainly has fewer Twitter followers than me. Many will argue that’s because he died in 1970, but to my mind that is the kind of pathetic excuse peddled by idiotic Catholics. In my previous award-winning bestsellers, I set out my interpretation of Darwinian biological evolution in detail. Just don’t ask me about an equivalent bullet-proof theory for physics because…errr…we don’t have one yet. If only physicists like Stephen Hawking had my work ethic and brainpower, we might know more about the universe. Alas, dullards like Hawking spend valuable time appeasing religious nutters. That time could be better spent doing some proper work or, alternatively, provoking Muslims on social media.
Now that I’ve conclusively proved that God doesn’t exist, it’s time to consider whether religion can have any positive function in society. The answer is clearly no but I set myself a target of 300 pages and I’m nowhere near. It really makes me sick to my stomach when I see people dutifully filing into a church or other stupid place of worship. Some people have argued that religion aids social cohesion and can provide a useful framework for living a good life. What drivel. If you go to church, then you must believe that the world is five thousand years old, that we are all descended from Adam and Eve, and all the other crap in the Bible. People are religious because they adopt the mentality of ants: religious participation is handed down through generations and people simply don’t know any better. In another of my brilliant books I described this phenomenon as the spread and reproduction of ‘memes’, i.e. entrenched cultural ideas and symbols. The more I think about my own idea, the more I appreciate its genius. Absolutely no-one wants to be religious. People are religious because either (a) their parents were; (b) their lives are empty and need purpose; or (c) they are mentally defective in some way. Case closed.
I’m really warming to my theme of giving all religions as much of a kicking as possible, so let’s press on. In response to some of my previous books, I received some vicious hate mail from religious fanatics. One can only conclude that the sentiments expressed are representative of everyone who has ever set foot inside a church. Similarly, the attacks on 9/11 were carried out by radicalised Muslims. This proves that all religious beliefs ultimately result in death and destruction. It is quite clear that every major evil act in human history has derived from some form of religion. For example, Stalin was a secret member of an Amish commune. Mao was probably a closet Hindu. Need I say more? Conversely, people do nice things without being religious. Just the other day I gave away several signed copies of my bestseller The Selfish Gene. Did such altruism result from some latent religious belief on my part? Don’t make me laugh. In conclusion, and in case you missed the earlier subtleties, there is no God and you’re an idiotic gimp if you think otherwise. Darwin has answered every single question about the universe and if you can’t appreciate this, you’ve misunderstood my book. P.S. God is probably a gay.