1. By the time you finish reading this sentence, over 150,000 unemployed Romanian single mothers will have entered the UK with the intention of claiming £40,000 per year in benefits and free cosmetic surgery on the NHS. It is a quite extraordinary statistic. Probably because it’s completely untrue. But the use of facts has never been UKIP policy. I’ve always been clear about that. Newspapers often misrepresent us as being a party that relies heavily on empirical data and expert analysis to gain a political foothold. What rubbish. Appallingly, since Britain joined the European Union in 1973, the use of facts has nearly quadrupled at the expense of distorted anecdotal evidence and fear-mongering. UKIP has fought to reverse this disturbing trend with increasing success, culminating in the 2014 European elections which we won with 27.1% of the vote. This should not be a surprise. Recent figures suggest nearly 106% of the population believe rising immigration is a concern. On this topic, UKIP is the only party prepared to say what no-one else is thinking. We are here to stay.
2. I was educated at Dulwich College, a magnificent public school in South London. The social mix was astonishing, my classmates ranging from sons of City bankers to sons of local bankers. I found the academic side of things a complete bore. The universities of the day were filled to the rafters with intelligent people keen to develop their skills. Not Nige’s cuppa. I went to work in the City as a commodities trader instead. The City was a strict meritocracy, provided your father was well connected. From what I remember, trading was great fun. I was in the pub most of the time. We’d go out for six hour liquid lunches and then stumble back to the office to catch the last couple of hours of the New York market. It’s bloody hard work dealing with pesky decimal points and small print when you’ve had a few pints. A client once instructed me to sell £500,000 worth of copper futures and I accidentally bought £5,00,000 worth of zinc instead. We laughed hysterically for hours. Needless to say, I rose through the ranks pretty quickly.
3. The City’s golden age came to an abrupt end in October 1986 when the government opened up the UK’s financial sector to foreign banks and handed a chunk of regulatory oversight to Brussels. News of these reforms broke unexpectedly and I nearly choked on my pint: I quickly ordered another three to be on the safe side. Followed by breakfast. Of course, American banks also profited from these changes, but they spoke English so it wasn’t so much of a problem. The new regulations changed the culture of the City from a chaotic old boys’ club, where no-one really knew what they were doing, to one of accountability and client protection. It was a disaster. Suddenly, well-educated foreigners started swarming in and doing our jobs more effectively and skillfully. I quickly tired of this new emphasis on competence and started Farage Futures, which was moderately successful until I wound it up in good standing in 2002. Anyone who says it was a failure and became insolvent is lying and can expect a letter from my lawyers. By this point, I realised my true calling was to rescue Britain from the damage being inflicted by fanatical technocrats in Brussels.
4. On Christmas Eve 1986 I felt a shuddering pain in my bollocks. I went to see a doctor, who happened to be Indian. Needless to say, I was misdiagnosed with an infection. Fortunately I went to see a proper English doctor a few days later. I had testicular cancer. I was very lucky. If it wasn’t for my profound belief that anyone who speaks with a funny accent doesn’t know what they’re doing, I might not be here today. The influx of foreign medical staff has inevitably led to a lower standard of care in the NHS. Mass immigration has stretched the NHS to breaking point because foreigners tend to be hypochondriacs. This is just common sense. I had another brush with the NHS when I was involved in a plane crash on election day in 2010. I had my doubts about the plane’s safety because it was Polish, but I was already on my fifth pint of Bombardier so jumped in anyway. It crashed, and I was hospitalised. I was cared for by a Romanian nurse. To my astonishment she didn’t mess anything up or recruit me to join a human trafficking ring, and I made a decent recovery.
5. People will read that and accuse me of being sexist. Utter drivel. Some of my closest relatives are women. Including my wife, who is German. To all those who accuse me of being xenophobic: I’m married to a foreigner for Christ’s sake! What infuriates me most is when people accuse me of having a sobriety problem. There is absolutely no evidence that I’ve allowed periods of teetotalism to affect my political judgement. All I ask is that the media elite get their facts right. Anyway, I was elected as an MEP in 1999 under the fledgling UKIP banner. The first thing to say about Brussels is that it’s a complete dump. I was staggered by the number of foreigners there who think that European integration is a good idea. WRONG. Almost all MEPs are corrupt and on the take. I aligned myself with some of the few good eggs in the place, such as Marine LePen and Geert Wilders. People say Marine and Geert are anti-Semitic and objectionable. To be clear, I do not advocate the public expression of xenophobic sentiments. As a friend, I’ve asked them to tone down the clarity and rely more on innuendo. What more can a chap do?
6. Support for UKIP has grown rapidly since the last election, when I took over as leader. Unfortunately, we have attracted some nutters in that time. I don’t mind admitting it. All parties have their fair share of racists, homophobes and misogynists don’t they? Do I want to lead a party comprised of moderate “politically correct” types? Of course not. Piss off and join the Greens if that’s your thing. We are a party made up of
absolute lunatics real characters, and I make no apology for that. Over the last five years we have made real progress in modernising the party: I am proud to say that it is no longer a complete disaster zone, merely a shambles. We toured the country talking to real people about a whole range of issues: immigrants jumping the queue for social housing; immigrants having the nerve to talk foreign in public places; gay immigrants eating children’s pets. All the big ones. Core British values, such as the right for builders and plumbers to do shoddy work at inflated prices whilst clocking off in time for Pointless every day, are being eroded by immigration. It’s just not on.
7. UKIP gained additional credibility in the second half of 2014 when two Tory MPs, Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless, defected to our ranks and won by-elections as UKIP candidates. Wooing Douglas was difficult. He wanted several assurances as to UKIP’s professionalism and future direction. I made up a load of stuff that seemed to convince him. Mark was quite literally a different kettle of fish. To be honest, the man’s a bit of an oddball. This made him a perfect fit for our platform. We unveiled him at our party conference, to the cheering of the tens of UKIP-ers who had bothered to turn up. It was like a bomb had gone off in Westminster. A Reckless bomb. And I was the maverick anarchist who had thrown that bomb into the House of Commons like a hot potato. As we draw closer to the 2015 election, it is clear that UKIP is a real force is British politics. Will we win more than a handful of seats? Who knows. I’m contesting South Thanet in Kent, so expect to see a lot more of my gurning sweaty chops between now and the election if you live near there. Right, that’s more than enough. I’m off to the pub.